Why do I do that??

Have you ever scratched your head at some of the things you've done? Say one thing and then do another? Hell, think you will do one thing and then do another. I have. And then I wonder "Why do I do that??". Case in point: I made a decision to save all my money, picked a date to start my RTW trip and then.........I went out a blew a whack of money (I really did not need all that new makeup, extra clothes, movie nights etc) Why??? I dunno. I think I had a momentary lapse and freaked out. It's still kinda weirding me out that I can actually do this. Perhaps having too tight of purse-strings made me feel I should "rebel" - though I only hurt myself. I'm not entirely certain why I made these decisions. Now, let me clarify. I did not go out and blow all my savings or anything like that but I did spend a nice chunk of change that I now wish I had in my savings account instead. I also know that there is not much I can do now (items are non-returnable) so I should not fret. I will just re-adjust my budget for a bit so I can, in a manner of speaking, re-coup those monies. What is at the heart of my concern is WHY I chose to impulsively make non-necessary purchases. I am learning to budget and have been very good lately. I even had a stash set aside for planned clothing purchases for work since many of my clothes were wearing out. Even saved for an out of town wedding I was invited to. I was doing so well. I was proud of myself. And then.....

Am I making a bigger deal of this than I should? Not sure, however, it is on my mind. I do know myself in that I do want to be able to enjoy some things while saving. I want to hang with my friends over a beer, have a lunch out occasionally, etc. Generally enjoy my time. So I allot for it. Not as much as before but some. I know that unexpected things happen as well (like 3 of your work pants having the zipper break - hmmm...new clothes and dieting is in the future). I get that.   I am prepared. So why do I use some my ear-marked savings for things I do not need when I have an amazing adventure to prepare for??? My guess is FEAR! Yes, the "F" word strikes again!! Stupid fear.  It sends me cowering to the dark recesses of the local mall or movie theatre or local pub (shots on me!). 

So this is really about fear. Fear has been something I have dealt with time and again in my life.  When I was younger I was afraid that if I did not behave the way others expected me to that I would not be liked or accepted. So for a long time I did as others expected me to (or what I thought they expected of me). This lead to a very unhappy time in my life. And a long road to becoming who I really am and want to be. In relationships I have been so afraid of being dumped and rejected that it silently took its toll on me. In the end, I learned that I would survive  breakups, as painful as they were. I have been afraid of change. Even when I wanted to make change I was afraid of failing. Or worse, being stuck and not being able to make the change. In the end the Universe stepped in, kicked me in the butt and gave me a door to walk through, should I want it. So I walked through the door, faced enough obstacles that when I was ready to make another life decision it went so smoothly that I did not question it at all.

So hear I am again. I put it out to the Universe (and the blog-o-sphere) that I will leave on my adventure on July 1, 2013. Wouldn't ya know it...stuff starts happening!! I expected it, just not so quickly. Within a month I had to put my cat to sleep. I could not have left on my trip with my cat still alive. He had been with me too long for anybody else to care for him. In his old age he was not good with change and leaving him with someone else would have been too hard on me. Very unexpectedly he became ill and I had to put him down in July. He had a good long, life though (19+ years). Then, my landlady asked if I was still interested in moving into a bachelor suite in the building. I had asked her over a year ago to let me know when one opened. That way I could save more money. Not only will I save money in rent ($143/month) I will not have to fork over money to movers if I left the building. MORE SAVINGS!! I also get a jump start on downsizing my belongings. After all, I am getting rid of my stuff. So now I have no excuse. All this in one month of declaring my intentions. Not to mention that 2 months ago I started my dream schedule at work, which in the end allows me to work more and save money. Yes, I am happy. At the same time I am freaking out inside!! THINGS ARE HAPPENING!! This is real. This is exciting. This is scary.  I panic and think I can not handle the change so I sabotage myself. I've done it often enough. I've begun my usual dance with fear...BUT...now I an going to change the dance moves. Fear will still be dancing with me, but this time courage, confidence and excitement are my partners as well. I want them to be leading me. I want fear to only dance when there is real danger, to help me avert it and make the smartest choices. Courage, confidence and excitement will lead the way. They have to. They will.  I will still stumble and freak out. Now I am more aware of the why and can make better choices. If I don't, you will know about it. I will ask for input. So here goes...bring on the world!!

Let's BElieve in Our Dreams's post was timely yet again!